And what a life it is.

After a frustratingly dull and demanding few months, I have had a wonderfully adventurous and spontaneous two weeks. The kind of time that has really refreshed me and reminded me of who I am, and why I've chosen the life I have and why those choices are important to me. It's also fortified friendships and family relationships and given me a look at how truly lucky I am for all of the wonderful people and places and things in my life.

I spent a week on vacation in California with my former college roommates. When I visited CA last year at this time I had a very limited appreciation for how beautiful and very different the landscape is there and how much getting away from what you're used to has to offer in terms of perspective. Seeing these friends was important, since they know me so well and always listen to all of my crazy and then remind me to breathe and keep my feet on the ground. I saw a lot of things I hadn't seen before and did a lot of new things (wine tasting for instance - note: drinking wine before noon in California is totally socially acceptable), I spent some time on the beach, and did some shopping. I visited San Diego, one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, and saw The Old Globe's production of The Tempest in the outdoor theater at Balboa Park. It was transformative. I'd been feeling so stagnant in my artistic pursuits that to see something so beautiful and effortless reminded me of why I chose theatre and why I continue to choose it. Leaving the west coast was harder this year than I found it last year. Something in the combination of the sun, the mountains, and the good friends made saying goodbye hard to bear.

But I had many good things to return to! With the help of my parents I was finally able to get a new car and had it waiting for me when I arrived from CA. Erika and I took a flying leap together and went skydiving ( I can't exactly say I enjoyed it, but I would encourage anyone who has it on their "list" to go for it). We held CoLab auditions for our second annual play. event. And on 24 hours notice my sister decided to turn her engagement party into a wedding (Congrats to the newly coined Mr. and Mrs. May!)

All of this excitement has reawakened something in me that I had sort of lost hold of. I can't pinpoint exactly what that something is. Maybe it's just the reminder that sometimes I like not knowing what's coming next .

Find your purpose and fling your life out to it. Find a way or make one. Try with all your might; self-made or never made
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Writer's Block 03/10/2011
 
So the hardest thing about blogs is keeping them up. I was never a journal keeper as a kid or young adult. And due to some high-school English teacher trauma, I really hated academic writing until I went to college. Actually I still hate academic writing, but I didn't know I actually didn't suck at it until I went to college.

When the idea of blogging was first proposed to me as part of The CoLab, I was skeptical, to say the least. I agreed to do it to help the company but warned everyone that I would probably hate it. And most likely suck at it too.

Turns out I loved it. And I actually got pretty good at it. Good enough that I wanted to start my own personal blog. A little less theeatre focused and a little more like an open journal. A place for me to get down on e-paper my thoughts and feelings, and for other people to get a feel for my personality or keep up on my life a little.

And I loved that too. For the first time in my life I was a writer. And for a while I had enough material to keep up The CoLab blog and this blog and still have tons of ideas rolling around in my head.

But over the last six months or so, it's become increasingly hard to put fingers to keyboard to express myself. But I'm not sure why. I don't know what's holding me back. It's not for lack of time. Or trying. I've just been blocked on how to put my feelings into words and put those words on the internet. 

I know I will be able to break through and recommit to blogging. I can feel whatever block is in my head  starting to break down. But I can't predict how quickly or slowly that will happen. And I'm not sure how to manage writing around it. I do enjoy this blog as an outlet. I never understood writing as a way of freeing yourself from things until I started it. And writing it has so far helped me work through a lot of tough spots and interesting personal experiences. Just having a place to basically think aloud has been helpful. But just up and posting my random and/or incoherent thoughts isn't really my goal with this. I like the crafting a post. Finding the exact right words and phrasing. Painting a vivid word picture. Because that's what writers do. And this blog has made me a writer. So I suppose it's only natural to cycle through some sort of block.

I'm just hoping that block is on the way out of my system, because I feel like I have a lot of writing to catch up on!




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Black and Gold 01/17/2011
 
I'm up too late for a work night. I've been feeling oddly nostalgic over the last few days. And a little restless. It's an interesting combination. The restlessness and nostalgia get mixed up and I can't tell if I'm restless from missing something or restless to move on from my mental reminiscing. I've spent the weekend trying to distract myself. Sleeping too much, seeing movies, cooking, watching TV, did I mention sleeping too much? 

Although, tonight it will be not sleeping enough.

It's getting harder and harder to find fulfilling ways to fill my performance time, I think. The restlessness and nostalgia come from the emptiness that comes from the lack of scripts and rehearsals and performing. I'm out of practice. And I'm wandering. Performing drives me. It keeps me busy and productive and it's an outlet for energy and passion I have a hard time routing in other directions. Being on stage is one of the only things that makes me feel really alive. I can feel my entire bank of energy and emotion coursing around in my body. It's when my brain and body and emotion all connect to each other.

So for now I'm just all disconnected. Trying to fill my time and being reminded that nothing I do will give me the same satisfaction. And ease the dull ache of memory and restlessness with friends, work, food, errands, and auditions.

And maybe sleep.


And the stars fell out of the sky
And my tears rolled into the ocean
Now I'm looking for a reason why
You even set my world into motion
- Black and Gold, Sam Sparro







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1/1/11 01/01/2011
 
I'm not one to make resolutions. They only set me up for disappointment. Either I disappoint myself when I break the resolution or I choose something I don't have much control over. With that said, I do believe in lists. And in honor of all of the 1's in today's date and the feeling that the beginning of a new year brings the hope of some positive change or exciting events here's a list of 11 things I'd like to do/see/accomplish in the next year.

1.) Throw more parties.
2.) Apply to graduate school.
3.) Go skydiving.
4.) Visit 3 places outside of Massachusetts I've never been.
5.) Get the CoLab Theatre Company a fiscal sponsorship ( I should probably start with a bank account.)
6.) Learn 5 new monologues and use them.
7.) Take more pictures. I have a cute little Canon Powershot that is sadly underused.
8.) Use public transportation more often.
9.) Donate to a new theatre company.
10.) Swim more. I get to use the Tufts pool for free, I may as well take advantage.
11.) Indulge in fresh flowers. They brighten up a room like none other and I think they'll motivate me to keep my room clean on a regular basis. Maybe...

Mostly my hope for the new year is stay happy and healthy, to keep growing and changing and to carry all the positive changes from 2010 into the future.

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First Flurries 12/14/2010
 
It's been a long time since I've written here. Longer than I meant it to be. It's been hard to keep up with writing when my emotions have seemed to change almost hourly in the last few months. I've managed to keep a decently tight lid on that outwardly, but it's made writing difficult. Never knowing quite what I wanted to share or express.

Since my last post I've celebrated my parent's 30th wedding anniversary, been on a road trip to Michigan to spend Thanksgiving there and attend a wedding, gone on 4 auditions to no avail,  run a fundraiser for my theatre company, signed on to costume design an opera, turned 25, set up a Christmas tree in my first adult apartment, and lost my last living grandparent.

A lot can happen in 6 weeks.

Part of my emotional unrest was centered around turning 25. For some reason that seemed like a really big deal. And it feels important.  To be 25. I mean....that's like a real age. But now that the actual birthday has come and passed, the anxiety and unsettledness I had been experiencing is gone. I've felt myself more ready and excited to take on this next year. It's full of plans and possibilities. The first year, that seems to me, an actual year of full-fledged-adulthood.

Another factor was family turmoil. Watching my parents struggle with the care of my grandmother, and watching a smart, funny, and sharp woman slowly deteriorate was painful. In lots of ways. I wouldn't say my grandmother and I were very very close, but I spent almost as much time in her house during elementary school as my own (it just so happened that my school's back doors let out about 300 yards from her front door) and the way I grew up and the person I am today have been undeniably impacted by having her in my life. And as for my parents, they are now the older generation. The matriarch and patriarch of our family, and so it turns to me and my siblings to care for them, learn from them, and enjoy them as they move into the roles of venerable rulers of our clan.

It's funny, for the last month or so I've been thinking to myself that just looking at the numbers 2 0 1 0 strung together as a year make it seem like a mile-stone. Maybe it's the 0 at the end. Or maybe it really is that, for me, and my family, there have been many mile-stones this year. Either way it won't be readily forgotten.

Tonight as I was leaving my parents house after a time of family grieving and planning it began to snow for the first time this year. Nothing that will stick, no notable snow, but the first flurries of a winter that will bring in 2011 and another set of changes and mile-stones. It seemed fitting to see the first of what will eventually become a quiet blanket of snow move into my life. Something to settle my nerves and refresh my spirit.

“In any man who dies there dies with him, his first snow and kiss and fight. Not people die but worlds die in them.”



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This month I have totally lagged behind in my personal blogging. I've been managing to keep up with the theatre blog I run with my Co-Artistic Directors for The CoLab (http://colabtheatre.blogspot.com for those of you who may not be familiar), but somehow I haven't managed to find the time or topics for this one during October. I've sat down with the computer a handful of times to try to get something down but haven't been able to put into words what's been going on with me.

* I took a trip back to UConn over Columbus Day weekend to say goodbye to a mentor and friend and truly enjoyed being back on campus. I even bought a new sweatshirt while I was there. Until now, visiting has brought about some mixed feelings, but this time I relaxed into it and felt very at home. There's something about walking around on a college campus in the fall that is super comforting for me.

* Auditioning is currently at a stand still. It's hard working through it, but I'm keeping busy seeing lots of theatre and planning with The CoLab. So far, the highlight has beenCompany One's The Aliens,  as part of The Shirley VT plays currently running at the Boston Center for the Arts.

* It's official, I will be going with the Tufts University Wind Ensemble to Costa Rica in January! I applied for a passport and everything. :-)

* Visiting the great city of Chicago and a fantastic friend this weekend, hopefully the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier is still running!

* Looking forward to a November full of love and laughter, celebrating my parent's 30th wedding anniversary.

The hustle and bustle and change of fall finally caught up with me this month. And as everything has settled out, I find myself excited by plans for the late fall and early winter. Now I am the one in planning and changing and doing mode. And that is a great feeling.


Picture
Navy Pier, Chicago IL
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Breezy. Grey. Calm.

The end of September.

I found myself thinking often today, "Wow, it is the end of September, how did that happen?" It doesn't feel like long ago I was just giving up my shorts and flip flops and being harried by the beginning of a new school year. The beginning of fall, so full of energy and excitement, is settling out and I sense myself preparing for the comfort of later autumn and the quiet of winter.

The month has been a bustle. Full of noise and questions and making plans. But all of these things are the things that have been surrounding me. None of the noise is mine, I don't have questions, I am not planning. They are the things I encounter. I feel like I've been watching everyone else's September. Just on the outside of the rush watching the blur of people and places and plans.

It's not unpleasant. It's actually been sort of interesting in a detached kind of way. To be removed from the action and sit still while everything spins around me. It's a feeling of drifting. I'm not used to it. I'm usually a mover and a planner. I don't like down time. So this inertia has come as an interesting shift. Sometimes I feel a little lost, or disoriented, like I'm not quite sure how to get a handle on things and join back in. That I'm going to be left behind.

But here is the end of September. The end of the bustle. The beginning of a cool down. And in this moment, I'm feeling as if the world has slowed down just enough to bring me back in and move at my pace. So here's hoping I can catch up.

Yeah we lived and learned the pages turned, no regrets
First time soemone makes you feel like that, you'll never forget
* Sweet September by Josh Gracin
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I love New England Septembers. Not that I've really experienced any other kind, but I know that I love these best of all anyway. Everything comes alive with new energy. People snap out of their summer laze and start moving again. School starts. The air gets cool. The light changes. It's a time for new beginnings, to make plans, to take action, to breathe and reboot and move ahead.

But change isn't always fluid, or exciting. And even though fall comes in quickly and gracefully, the other changes it brings can often be jarring. It's hard to leave the warmth and comfort of the summer. To face the new season and embrace it's energy and fast-paced nature.

I find myself, this year, having a hard time changing with the season. Usually I jump into fall, but this year I'm more reticent. Partly because this summer was one of the best on record (especially in recent history) for me personally, but also because I'm not sure what the changes of my fall horizon might bring. Up until now I've been more sure of what the change in atmosphere will bring. A new school year or a new job or a big show or a clean slate.

But this year it's all much muddier.  Iam settled in my job, in my theatre life, in my friendships, and in my routines. So where is my change and will it be good?  What will be my new challenge?  How can I channel my fall energy?

I'm not sure yet. And something in me tugs in a way that says, maybe this fall the change will be harder than usual. But with it can come great things. So I'll wait for it. And in the meantime, I can enjoy breathing in September.
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There are very few places in my life that make me feel completely understood, relaxed, open, and accepted. A theater is one of them, which is why it's so important to me. But there are a few others. A random assortment of places: big, small, indoors, outside, local, and far away.

I am just starting to come down from the absolute bliss of the most relaxing weekend I can remember having. I escaped the city to spend time with one of my favorite people and just did nothing. Literally between 7pm on Friday and 8pm tonight my biggest expenditure of energy was riding for 15 minutes to the mall, walking around to enjoy the air conditioning and getting a Ben & Jerry's milkshake. It was epically lazy of me. And so amazingly delightful.

The best part of the weekend though is ending it with the appreciation of a place that is safe and quiet and makes me feel completely at ease. The biggest thing I've noticed about these places is that it's not so much the physical location that makes me feel so loved and comfortable but the feelings I experience in them. Sure, there are some physical things attached: smells, sounds, the way sunlight fills the space, the way my bare feet feel on the ground. But more than those things it's the emotions I get from them that make these places so special. They are core emotions. Things that are out of my consciousness to control but hit me in a very visceral way.  And so these places become a space my heart feels at home. Not a physical place where my things are or I need a key for the door, or I take out the trash, but an emotional state where everything in me is calm and free.  That's where I spent my weekend.

And it was wonderful to indulge that part of me. To be free to fall in and out of sleep, to eat, to drink, to laugh, to be quiet, to air-dry my hair and only put on chapstick and to just be my most basic self. And to enjoy that.
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play. 08/23/2010
 
Picture
Come see what I've been working on all summer (or really all year) with my company's first ever performance event play. The CoLab has been working with 8 talented actors, three new pieces, and two incredibly dedicated directors to bring you this one night only event at The Factory Theatre tomorrow night!

So come support me and fringe theatre in Boston:
   play.
An Evening of Original Theatre
The Factory Theatre
Tuesday, August 24th 8PM
791 Tremont Street
...Boston, MA

**The Theatre is located behind the building in the parking lot**

Tickets are "Pay-what-you-can" (5$ Minimum)

Please arrive by 7:50PM, or call (508) 207-0222 or your tickets will be released.

"The Real Family" by Michelle Markarian
Featuring:
James Marin as "Brian"
Sierra Kagan as "Mother"
Jonny Hendrickson as "Father"

Brian confronts his adoptive parents and prepares to set off on an epic quest to find his biological parents... A journey much shorter than he previously expected...

"Dearly Beloved" by Brendan Doris-Pierce
 Featuring:
Gideon Bautista as "Morrie"
Tony Rios as "Julius"
Robyn Linden as "June"

Why does everyone have to go ruin everything and start getting married? Julius and his best friend Morrie live together comfortably, reliving their college days. But Julius’s girlfriend, June, is growing frustrated with Morrie’s quirks, specifically, his phobia of all things related to love and sex. They find themselves awash in wedding invitations, prompting a crisis in Julius’ and June’s relationship.

 ...and "Growing Up"
Devised, composed and written by the ensemble:

Tierra Allen
Jonny Hendrickson
Sierra Kagan
Robyn Linden
James Marin
Mary-Liz Murray
Tony Rios

An experiment in Viewpoints composition, focusing on the united theme of growing up. Our ensemble has been training, improvising and writing since early June using techniques devised by Anne Bogart. After editing and workshopping, we will present a short piece as the result of our efforts.
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